Bo McBrayer brings the spice with his Week 1 fantasy football advice, giving you the musings and information you need to keep your lineups hot-n-ready. 

Going through old photo albums sure is a trip. At eight years old, I was taking line drives off the cheekbone in a game of pepper, then hid on the floor of my closet memorizing the sports almanac. Teenage me could wrangle a rattlesnake without an ounce of fear but still shuddered from the X-Files theme song. Those photos make me laugh and cringe. Oh my god, so cringe-worthy. Nerd alert!  

I didn’t know, nor did I care, what was in store for me in adulthood. From karaoke contests to competitive eating, it was always about winning something. Kobe Bryant famously said he hated losing more than he loved winning. I felt that. I played competitive golf and did a lot of losing, but I was addicted to the grind. 

Fantasy football is a lot like golf. Perfection is unattainable, but that one moment of triumph sticks like a barb. There are also moments of zen, though they are so fleeting. 

Only one manager can feel that euphoria at the end of the season; it’s a zero-sum game. Sitting in the gray area doesn’t excite me, nor does it help in reaching the zenith of competition. I’ve settled into this little niche of spitting fire and never taking the conservative route with my analysis. It has paid off since I started playing fantasy sports. It might cause the season to go up in flames, but with a little luck, the aggression pays off.

Should I give out bad advice, I’m not really the sentimental type. Being apologetic for failing to predict the future seems disingenuous, anyway. The fine folks at Optimus want me to contribute the stuff that spills from my eyes, ears, and nose, so this column will put just that at your fingertips. Should it aid you in a redraft W, dynasty league victory, or even a DFS lineup, that’s cool beans. I aim to win in an entertaining way so they don’t ever sack me for being boring. Bring on the rush; I’ll stand tall (or scramble) the only way I know: with pizzazz.

 

Week 1 Quips & Chain Gangs

Crackaroni & Chiefs

That first game back hits like crack, not that I’d know firsthand. The world champs have bolstered their receiving corps for Patty burnt steaks, but they draw one of 2023’s filthiest defenses out the gate. Will the added speed at wideout open up the middle for mustachioed Trav and the Eras Tour? I guess we’ll have to find out together how cruel the summer was for him.

Lamar Jackson will be ready to chase his third MVP with an alien at running back and a healthy duo of Mark Andrews and Rashod Bateman flanking him. It will be interesting to see just how porous the champs are on defense with the losses they incurred in the secondary. The first game of the 2024 season is shaping up to be a barn burner with kerosene-soaked hay bales inside.

Fr, Fr, No Capoeira

Friday night football? In Week 1? From Brazil??? Oh, this I have to see. Big booty lifts and gangsters in green meeting in the favela on a Friday night is appointment television. The Eagles and Packers are two of the best in the NFC and will represent good football much better than all those Jaguar games in the UK years ago.

Jordan Love went from a wasted first-round pick that insulted a Hall of Famer to an MVP candidate with a lucrative contract extension last year. His receiving corps is young and terrifying for defenses, especially one with a Caucasian persuasion in the secondary.

Jalen Hurts will have to adapt to pushing another tush now that Jason Kelce left the league for the Scrooge McDuck cash mountains provided by podcasting. Or, he can simply hand the ball to new squeeze Saquon Barkley. Either way, the Birds will soar to another playoff berth. Obrigado, NFL, for this late summer gift.

Tennis Allen or Pickleball

The Saints didn’t even have the most annoying head coach in their division last year. Dennis Allen hasn’t a clue how to coach, lead, or even marginally motivate a professional athlete. He doesn’t do Xs and Os, either. Nobody really knows what he does except deflect blame from the Loomis family for more than a decade of disappointing mediocrity.

Bourbon Street will be abuzz Sunday afternoon when the WhoDats host the new (old) Panthers. Bryce Young was allowed to have one receiver get open this season with Diontae Johnson’s arrival. Dave Canales squeezed the juice out of the Baker Mayfield lemon in Tampa, but it might be a stone (like from the bible) in Charlotte. Either way, I’m interested to see a terrible depth chart with a great coach battle with a good roster led by a guy who seems to hate his players more than stubbing his toe on a bed frame.

Arthur’s Trembling Fist

NFL script writers must be real. After three inexplicable 7-10 seasons, Arthur Smith was ushered from the state of Georgia at the tip of a bayonet. He was an abominable head coach, combining unimaginable failure at the feet of expectations with a level of arrogance and hubris usually reserved for sons of billionaires… 

Like most white coaches fired for incompetence (or bishops under investigation), he landed right on his feet in a new city. Pittsburgh hasn’t suffered a losing season since I was smoking out of a Shasta cola can, so it figures they would feel inoculated from Artie’s unique brand of undeserved praise. 

Week 1 sets the stage for Coach Smith to put on dark glasses and shroud his face in a return to face the team that kept him around longer than a toxic ex. Their new flame actually knows how to push the right buttons to make toes curl, so I expect the Falcons to absolutely destroy the Steelers while Arthur sits flaccid in the corner holding a camcorder from the ramblin’ wreck days. 

Quad Mochas & Motor Oil

I love the Detroit Lions. I much prefer watching them play to my Cowboys. I have a soft spot in my heart for Detroiters (great people), and their football team is finally relevant. Good for them. Their recent success scored them a primetime game in Week 1, a Sunday night home rematch of last year’s playoff clash with the Los Angeles Rams. These teams both benefited from the Jared Goff trade for Matthew Stafford. More importantly, Detroit got back to a lunch pail mentality and caffeinated personality under Dan Campbell. Hard-nosed and aggressive, the boys in Honolulu Blue have that thrashing and gnashing going on both sides of the ball and could push themselves farther than ever in 2024.

The Rams are really old, but last year’s rookie RB and WR stole the fantasy limelight. Sean McVay is pretty young, too. Cooper Kupp might have cobwebs, but he’s still one of the best football players in the NFL and has a telepathic connection with Stafford. Puka Nacua’s powers are still developing, but he’s already turned into vintage Bobby Trees in this offense. Kyren Williams runs like that octogenarian Kansas alum in the spring game but did a lot with more volume than an Imagine Dragons concert. I’m intrigued by his reprisal as designated fair catch jockey and now big brother to the more athletic version of himself, Blake Corum. 

Find more spicy advice from Bo McBrayer on X (formerly Twitter) @Bo_McBigTime & up your kitchen pantry game with his custom spices and sauces at hotboxbatch.com