Oh em gee. Did you get your “wrap” from that music streaming service with the horrendous user interface? Me neither. I much prefer the native app on my iPhone. In fact, I’m writing this with my “Writing Juice” playlist coursing through noise-cancelling headphones. It’s a mix of my favorite tracks from Led Zeppelin, Deftones and TOOL. Apple Music has their replay going in response to the wrap.

Without a hint of surprise, I logged more hours vibing to TOOL than any other artist by far. They are the band of musical destiny. It’s as if Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms bumped into each other and decided to combine their talents into one legendary act over four decades. Four of the most prodigal music geniuses at their craft in one band. I simply can’t get enough.

They’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but neither am I. The artistry required to compose albums consisting of tracks nearly 20 minutes long is staggering. The kids no longer have the attention span for that sort of thing. Craftsmanship isn’t as common in this on-demand world. Instant gratification has diminished returns, and clickbait rubbish is sadly monetized. Print media is largely dead, at least as I remember it. Artificial intelligence is the future (and actually freaking awesome), but I’ll take natural stupidity for my writing over that any day.

The internet simultaneously revolutionized and ruined life as we know it (thanks, Al Gore). If you believe there are hot singles in your area, I hope this column finds you well during your online travails. It’s always me drumming along with Danny Carey.

Right now, you’re either dead or fighting for seeding when it comes to next week’s fantasy playoffs. With my litany of fantasy teams, all I know for certain is I’m not doing great with Jayden Reed on about half of them. Those are the breaks. Week 14 is supposedly another “Bye-mageddon.” I sure would like to have Lamar Jackson right about now, but I guess Will Levis or Geno Smith will have to do.

The slate really isn’t terrible, all things considered. Another thing people love to do in this day and age is to listen to themselves whine, moan, and fish for sympathy. Get creative this week. Be an artist, a craftsperson. You might find the oxytocin boosts you were looking for.

~ Check Out Our Week 14 Fantasy Football Rankings ~

Week 14 Fantasy Football: Metal & Americana

Kirko Painz

It’s a revenge game…for the Vikings against Kirk Cousins. Captain Kirk only accomplished a terrible primetime record in Minnesota. He has been ghastly any time of day for the Falcons of late. His return to the Twin Cities is chocked full of narratives, my favorite of which is that he will be benched during the game. Inserting (Michael) Penix is the right thing to do for Atlanta. It can’t be any worse than the product on the field was in November. I think the Vikings absolutely obliterate the Falcons in this one. Cousins can weep into his hundred million in department store credit at that dying mall with the flickering lights and graffiti-laced Radio Shack.

How the Wests Were Won

The AFC West is pretty competitive this season. While the Chiefs can tie a bow around another title with a win over the Chargers this Sunday night, Los Angeles and Denver are squarely in playoff position. The Bolts stymied Patrick Mahomes in Week 4 but couldn’t get the offense going in the 17-10 loss. The Chiefs have come up aces on the river all year, but the oblong spheroid seems to balance out like karma before it’s all said and done.

Professional football truly is “any given Sunday,” and the Chargers are built to take down the defending champs. We get to see Patrick Mahomes and Justin Herbert play at the same time twice a year, which is a blessing from the heavens. Andy Reid is in another stratosphere from Jim Harbaugh, but they’re both winners nonetheless.

The NFC West has been competitive, albeit in a more bipolar sort of way and with stunning mediocrity. The Seahawks are currently leading the division, but the Cardinals are right on their heels. Only this division winner will reach the postseason, but who will it be? We can’t quite write off the 49ers, though they feel much further back than two games. The Rams are tied with Arizona and could also make a case.

Just when I think I have a bead on one of these teams, they lay down a performance so dreadful and vile that I’m reminded I know nothing. This week’s clash between the Cardinals and Seahawks should be really good. Unfortunately, one of them might be a no-show, only to emerge next week to look like a title contender. I’m starting the Seahawks weapons against a Cardinals defense that has not allowed a touchdown at home since late September. It’s wild, but the Seahawks are just the most complete squad in the division, and I expect them to cruise. Maybe we might get Trey McBride‘s first receiving touchdown this week, but I won’t hold my breath.

SoFi in HiFi

There is one game circled as having shootout potential in the late window on Sunday afternoon. The high-flying Buffalo Bills will go from lake effect blizzard to the air-conditioned comfort of SoFi Stadium to take on the Rams. Los Angeles’ defense has been less than stellar, so it’s reasonable to expect Josh Allen and company to light up the scoreboard again. The real question will be whether Matthew Stafford can keep pace on his end against a very strong Buffalo defense. Kyren Williams should feast on this run funnel unit from western New York through sheer volume alone.

Puka Nacua and Cooper Kupp worry me. Their upside is definitely capped versus one of the best secondaries in the NFL. Then again, they are as concentrated a duo in terms of target share we can find. Lastly, you DFS junkies might like to know I’m playing the “dueling banjos” approach to Kyren and James Cook this week. Play responsibly.

*Hint: it sounds better on vinyl.*

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Find more spicy advice from Bo McBrayer on Bluesky or on  X (formerly Twitter) @Bo_McBigTime & up your kitchen pantry game with his custom spices and sauces at hotboxbatch.com.